I'm in the middle of getting ready for the trip to FL this evening - laundry, packing, the whole bit - but I have a few minutes between dry and wash cycles. Yesterday I made the single most extravagant and expensive purchase of my life, and I'm still reeling from it. Damn you H.H.Gregg. Damn you. I also managed to find a bedside nightstand, fabric for the couch cover I'm going to make, as well as fabric samples for curtains, a lovely round rug for the living room, and a couple of days ago I found a vintage dressform. My apartment will be tricked out in no time when I get back. If only I could find a love seat or chaise for in front of the windows....
The past couple of nights The Champ and I had some revealing and touching conversations. I told him how I felt, how I haven't been able to get him out of my head. I would find myself daydreaming into space, felt the butterflies when that Skype window appears. "Would you like to answer the call?" Oh yes, definitely. We've been playing WoW a little bit, quested together, which was cool. I just wish he could run Skype and Warcraft at the same time, so that I can watch his face.....I. Am. Hopeless.
I did tell him that I'm afraid - very afraid. He said that he is too. Neither of us trust ourselves. This is exactly what I did NOT want. I DIDN'T want to jump into another relationship - I wanted to be by myself for a while, live on my own for a while, draw, sew, create, rejuvenate my stagnant freelance career. But here I am, once again stifled and distracted by "The Glow". If only he wasn't so beautiful and fascinating.....*grrrroooooooaaaaaaannnn
I have never been one that could separate reality and romance, or at least allow them to coexist peacefully. One always trumps the other at some point. My art and fanciful pursuits burst ahead, and my relationship suffers. The relationship becomes the air I breathe, my drawing table and sewing machine collect dust. Two fishes devouring each other's tail. I wish I could find balance. Champ suggests I take yoga. Maybe that would do it.
And then there's my fickle, fickle emotional state. I take Zoloft for depression and anxiety, Daytrana for ADHD. I listed a laundry list of less than admirable traits for the Champ, but I think he attributes it to just the divorce and just David. No, my sweet - there are dark dark things that have formed my current psyche, and they were there looooooooong before David came along. Someday, face to face, I will tell him. Not quite ready yet; that's too fast - but I might have to if this gets more serious than it already is. Champ is incredibly classy about everything - he says I am the first to see the "new him." He said that he cares for me infinitely, and that he would do anything in his power to preserve us in whatever form it requires. I'm both honored and a little apprehensive that I'm looking upon the "new" Champ - how was he before? Will the old Champ rear his head after time, since the new one is a result of very recent events, or as we become more and more comfortable with each other? Once the evil "Glow" fades away, most likely after a lot of time and emotion invested, will it fail just as ALL of them have for me? Champ has never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months. My longest is 5 years, and for a while there, 4 years seemed to be the "expiration" for the relationship. My therapist suggested that I am a "serial monogamist"; I thought that was morbidly brilliant. *Sigh*
I have to finish packing. I hope desperately that I can draw some at the beach. I so need to draw. Hope I have internet access at the condo too.
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