Summer Storms

I returned home to Savannah last Sunday. Here's a quick recap: the beach was awesome, I got some sun (didn't burn!), and on returning to Atlanta, got to see some of my cousins and uncle at my aunt's farm. I actually drove a 4-wheeler for the first time in my life! I drove back to Savannah in the pouring rain, arriving to discover a tornado had hit the Effingham area. I picked the Champ up, he drove us to Hilton Head (yes, I actually let him drive my car - that's pretty big, people), and we spent a lovely evening at his grandparents where I was able to meet them, his father, and his two brothers. His family is great - really down to earth and hip. We actually had a good laugh over World of Warcraft videos such as "Leroy Jenkins." Who knew? His grandmother especially ROCKS - what a cool lady! Fun, funny, and can cook like nobody's business. No one called me Champ's girlfriend, no one asked about any past relationships I've had, and no one seemed to be bothered by a 30 year old woman dating their son/grandson. I DID have to put a band-aid on my finger to hide my wedding band - which I can't physically take off. Seriously, my finger's gotten thicker since I've been married, and I'll have to go to a jeweler to get it off. How awkward would that have been had they seen it?? *SIGH*

I found out something pretty big too - when Champ's dad asked me where I went to school, I told him about Lipscomb - as in Lipscomb University. Here was Dad's reaction: "You don't mean David Lipscomb University?"
There was a slightly uncomfortable pause on my part, since the school is a Church of Christ school, and the C of C tends to have a somewhat tainted image shared by those who have heard of it. Turns out that Champ's family members were once MEMBERS of the Church of Christ, (or rather, the International C of C, which is the polar opposite of the faction I and my parents were raised in, which is much more conservative - I mean, almost psychotically so) and of course they had heard of Lipscomb. I (as well as the Champ himself), were pretty darn shocked at that. I echo what his father kept saying after that little revolution: Small world, small world.
Still, after talking a little bit about it, I found that Champ's father and I had similar reasons for leaving the Church - no one can live like that. For anyone reading this that is a little stumped at what I'm talking about, I am NOT talking about the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS. That is something else entirely. Go visit these little linkage gems:

http://church-of-christ.org/ - Their main site - which is funny since they don't have a governing body like Methodism or Catholicism.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Churches_of_Christ - I don't take a lot of stock in Wikipedia entries, but this one is pretty objective.
http://www.ccel.org/contrib/exec_outlines/top/church.htm - here's a good outline/breakdown of the Church and their beliefs.
http://www.chocd.org/ - OK, now the other side - cause you gotta see what outsiders, ex-members, and disagreers are saying. I found this to be quite enlightening.
http://www.fxcc.org/deaf/faq_coccult.asp - This article talks about the aforementioned "cult" accusation. I guess he is arguing against the idea, but sometimes C of C-ers can be so "middle of the fence" it's hard to tell.

These are only a VERY FEW resources on the Church of Christ; don't just take these as absolute law in your own mind - be responsible and research this group yourself. As an ex-member, it took years and a lot of reading of both sides and asking questions before I decided that I could no longer be a part of it. I know that old college classmates from LU will probably be a little upset, but......folks - look at it as if I'm introducing a discussion, instead of just blindly accepting.

Soooooo.....this week has been composed of me tackling the slow process of cleaning, organizing, and nesting my new little home in Ardsley. I opened up boxed that I haven't looked at in years, and I'm shocked at how much I decided to throw away. I really, really need a clean slate, I guess. I keep coming across David stuff - bits of clothing, mail, notes, a sketchbook or two. The hardest are cards that my ex-in-laws sent us, where they called me their "daughter" and all that. I've seen and talked to David a couple of times this week. I can't help it - I cry and feel miserable every time. He's dating a young woman now, who sounds like a good match for him. The only thing is the fact that her mother ADORES him, and is already planning their wedding! I asked him if it freaked him out how fast it seemed to be going in that general direction, and David, being David, is fine with it. "Going from 0 to 160 never bothers me." No it never did, which is one of the reasons why our marriage failed. That and I just couldn't be the submissive wife that allowed him to make all the decisions and doll out advice where it wasn't wanted. This girl seems to be a-okay with that, according to him. I wonder sometimes if that was one of my failures - not being a doormat in other words. But I snap back to reality and realize NO....David never wanted me to be a doormat, and I shouldn't be ashamed that I wasn't. I just hope he's happy and isn't getting into anything he'll regret.

I still love him. Not in the same way, but I always WILL love him for who he is, and what we shared. How could I not? Sometimes I wonder that Champ has the wrong idea about how I feel towards my ex-husband. He made a statement the other night that made me think HE thinks I hate David, or can't stand him, or whatever. I don't, I had to correct him - it is the situation. It is the sheer fact that we put so much effort into 5 years of marriage only to find we were squeezing water from a stone. And that "failure" is heart-wrenching and sadder than anything. My father once said that Divorce is a disease, and though there isn't much I agree with my father on these days, I'd have to confer this one. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

What's also hard is the fact that it's an Elephant in the Room with me and the Champ. I know he wants to hang out with me all the time, be near me, learn more about me - but I CANNOT jump into another exclusive thing again. I can't. It's too soon. I feel sick to my stomach and unbelievably exhausted when I think about it. Champ hung out all day Friday at my apartment playing WoW, and though I was trying to clean and organize, I felt myself feeling panicky and trapped - like, "Why are you still here??? Leave me alone!!" It's NOT that I don't want him around. I just.....need my space. I DID however do something that was uncharacteristic of me - I told Champ that. And he understood. And he was respectful. And I am FOREVER grateful. As long as I can continue to be completely honest with him, and OPEN MY FREAKIN' MOUTH when I need to (instead of bottling it up and letting it rot), then maybe I, or WE, can avoid the same mistakes that caused every other relationship in my past to fail.

Until next time, adieu.