Clarity

I just got off the phone with my aunt - a WONDERFUL conversation! And she, my uncle, and my cousins might be coming to visit this weekend! Hooray!! I SO need some fam time....

I need to clarify something concerning my last post - the one of David and the "Savannah grapevine" that I mentioned. After my anger subsided and I was able to think clearly again, I realize that it isn't David's fault that we have circles of aquaintances (spelling?) that happen to overlap. I know that he isn't spying on me or looking to find out the "dish" on me. I don't need a restraining order - yegods no. I know this because I was married to the man for 5 years and that isn't how he does things. I was just furious because I saw it as a loss of control on my part - that I can't control it if someone we both know happens to say something like, "Oh, have you heard? Julie's dating this guy she calls 'Champ' and so on...." But neither can he, really. I really really just wasn't ready for him to know what's going on in my personal life RIGHT THEN. And I'm not sure exactly why, except to say that I am still raw from the divorce, and I don't want to move too quickly, and that I know that David is perfectly fine moving quickly onto....other things, but that doesn't mean I want to know about it. So therefore I don't really want him to know...You know? Did that make ANY sense?? LOL. It's not that I'm ashamed of Champ - of course not! Champ has been really REALLY good for me in the long run, and though we're still ironing out certain things, I feel that I am growing and working on issues that have crept into my past relationships that were not healthy. Champ is my "fresh slate" in a way. Does this mean I'm ready to get married? No. Does this mean that he has officially replaced David? No. It's just a good thing, a positive thing out of a whole mess of negative that I'm taking one day at a time.
Back on track, Julie: anyway, it's personal, and while David's and my past split is still sore, whatever between David and me and our parallel "love lives" is personal as well. I just hate it when outsiders insert themselves into the picture. I wouldn't have minded it AT ALL had he found out what's going on in my life if he had read it himself. But I know he didn't - he had help, and that's what sent me through the roof. I wouldn't want anyone coming up to me to tell me what David's doing with his time - I would nip it and say, "Listen, I'll ask him myself, thank you - it's nobody's business but his and let's let HIM decide if he wants me to know."

I started this internet journal in a fit of uncharacteristic bravery, so that my words and thoughts wouldn't be stuffed away and hidden in books, and believe me I kept journals for years like that - they collect dust on my shelf as we speak. Here, in this medium, I feel that they can actually LIVE on in some way, and hopefully they can inspire or, rather, just exist on the cyberstage as an illustration of a very vulnerable, very complicated, but very tenacious and real human being. What good are words if they can't be heard or read? I have nothing to fear or be ashamed of, though it IS terrifying to open yourself up like this in a very public way. But it is a good and brave thing to do. People like Champ and Hannah inspired me thus. As creators, writers, and artists - this is what we do, and we do it in the here and now and we never look back. It's 2008, and, well, bloggin' is where it's at, haha!

Ironically, it was David who said I should write down my thoughts, and I have taken his advice for all these years. That was one of the really good things that came from our union, among other things. He helped me to be fearless about it, too. Do I wish he read it? Sure - but it's his choice if he does or doesn't - so LET 'IM, people!

I feel okay today; I still have a lot of stuff to clean up concerning my personal vs. professional life. But I completely dropped the BALL concerning a project for a friend of mine, and, well folks - that jolted me awake. I HATE that I was so irresponsible and had my head so far up my ASS that I left him in a terrible bind, so that he was forced to re-assign it to someone else (oh I wish he hadn't been so sweet and apologetic for it, too - GAWD it was SO my fault!!). I deserved that - I have NEVER done that before, and NEVER will again. I learned my lesson.

Julie is very, very humbled, people. > . <