Fizzle....

Man, RIGHT AFTER I post an entry about how dang great everything is, I'm hit the NEXT DAY with a headache and stomach cramps. I don't feel really well. It's probably stress over money and the apartment - which isn't completely put together yet. The bitch part is my studio - it's still in pieces and not functional yet. Oooohhh how I need to draw - but I'm still hitting a wall. I continue to think of projects that I want to do during the course of the day, but when the sketchbook lands in my lap......nothing. A dry fart. Bah, I say! BAH!

I'm thinking of re-visiting an old project that David and I kicked around for years. I was sifting through old artwork from it while watching The Incredible Hulk (excellent movie), and the urge is strong to finish what we started. But this time I'll be flying solo. David and I could collaborate on many things, but for some reason this particular project was always a tough one. We'd clash on ideas, disagree, hit walls, what little bit he wrote was too long-winded and convoluted....I guess maybe because it was a little too close to our hearts. It was the first project we ever worked on together; I find that it might be the perfect piece of closure (and a memorial, of sorts, to our marriage) that I need in continuing the cleansing of the slate. And the foundation is all there - it just needs to be pieced together. At least I'm confident that I am finally at the stage art-wise that it can be done the way I want it to be done. I hope I'm not jinxing myself writing about it, but.....well, I've always trusted my gut, and this feels right for some reason.

Geez I'm so down tonight, and antsy, anxious. Champ is playing World of Warcraft, which I can't bring myself to play these days. Maybe because it reminds me of David. My wireless internet is kind of retarded anyway - I keep getting bumped off of my own goddamn network.
Tomorrow is my psych appointment, and then my one little piddly class of the summer. In the distance someone is firing off fireworks, WELL before the 4th of course. I need to pay bills. I need to sleep. I need more Vodka.

*sigh*

Shredding the Old - Filing the New....

Can I say how PSYCHED I am that I now have SoapNet?? I dread that damn Comcast bill when it comes, but it is WORTH IT.

Today has been a good day.

It's nice to be able to say that and really mean it. They seem to be few and far between sometimes. But it's been beautiful outside, not too hot, and I've been shredding old papers and filing like a MANIAC. Feels good to "wipe the slate" and start anew. So many beginnings in my life - so many "firsts." Hannah brought over two beautiful goldfish, so now I am a new fish-owner! Let's see -- two fish, three hermit crabs, and two dogs. Life is good ;)

I have a list of goals that I want to implement this summer. The time is good. I've been officially divorced for two full weeks. I had a really great phone chat with David today. The Champ and I are good - he surprises me sometimes, catches me off guard with his honesty and humility. He actually inspires me to become a better person all around, hence the goals. I'm not quite ready to call him my "boyfriend" just yet, but.......I'm not as staunchly against it as I once was. Just need more time - I'm still "keeping my options open," if you would forgive the cliche. I thought I had a couple of options, but they never came to fruition. Everything happens for a reason, though - someOne is pulling the strings up there. Right now I'm just happy to enjoy the ride; he makes me laugh, he's sweet and understanding, and I am actually comfortable communicating with him. Maybe....I can avoid those same mistakes, those same pitfalls that always reared their ugly heads. Maybe I have changed for the better. I'm still suspicious of "The Glow", but he's seen me have a panic attack, seen me cry, witnessed how vulnerable I can be. But I haven't scared him off; and he hasn't used it against me. Champ helps me to feel strong and independent, and I feel like his equal despite the age difference.

Again, hence the goals.
1) exercise more and get back to lifting weights.
2) cut down on the alcohol. Like, almost to nothing - except socially of course.
3).........................the big one.....................................

....quit smoking. *shiver* THIS one is going to be the bitch.

But you know, I really believe Champ when he says he will help me. I've already decided that the carton of cigarettes he saw me buy will be my last. Of course I'm nervous, and of COURSE I am aware that I've tried to quit 3 TIMES over the years. But I think I may have arrived at the point in my life that it could be different this time.

And different is good - different is welcome.

Summer Storms

I returned home to Savannah last Sunday. Here's a quick recap: the beach was awesome, I got some sun (didn't burn!), and on returning to Atlanta, got to see some of my cousins and uncle at my aunt's farm. I actually drove a 4-wheeler for the first time in my life! I drove back to Savannah in the pouring rain, arriving to discover a tornado had hit the Effingham area. I picked the Champ up, he drove us to Hilton Head (yes, I actually let him drive my car - that's pretty big, people), and we spent a lovely evening at his grandparents where I was able to meet them, his father, and his two brothers. His family is great - really down to earth and hip. We actually had a good laugh over World of Warcraft videos such as "Leroy Jenkins." Who knew? His grandmother especially ROCKS - what a cool lady! Fun, funny, and can cook like nobody's business. No one called me Champ's girlfriend, no one asked about any past relationships I've had, and no one seemed to be bothered by a 30 year old woman dating their son/grandson. I DID have to put a band-aid on my finger to hide my wedding band - which I can't physically take off. Seriously, my finger's gotten thicker since I've been married, and I'll have to go to a jeweler to get it off. How awkward would that have been had they seen it?? *SIGH*

I found out something pretty big too - when Champ's dad asked me where I went to school, I told him about Lipscomb - as in Lipscomb University. Here was Dad's reaction: "You don't mean David Lipscomb University?"
There was a slightly uncomfortable pause on my part, since the school is a Church of Christ school, and the C of C tends to have a somewhat tainted image shared by those who have heard of it. Turns out that Champ's family members were once MEMBERS of the Church of Christ, (or rather, the International C of C, which is the polar opposite of the faction I and my parents were raised in, which is much more conservative - I mean, almost psychotically so) and of course they had heard of Lipscomb. I (as well as the Champ himself), were pretty darn shocked at that. I echo what his father kept saying after that little revolution: Small world, small world.
Still, after talking a little bit about it, I found that Champ's father and I had similar reasons for leaving the Church - no one can live like that. For anyone reading this that is a little stumped at what I'm talking about, I am NOT talking about the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS. That is something else entirely. Go visit these little linkage gems:

http://church-of-christ.org/ - Their main site - which is funny since they don't have a governing body like Methodism or Catholicism.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Churches_of_Christ - I don't take a lot of stock in Wikipedia entries, but this one is pretty objective.
http://www.ccel.org/contrib/exec_outlines/top/church.htm - here's a good outline/breakdown of the Church and their beliefs.
http://www.chocd.org/ - OK, now the other side - cause you gotta see what outsiders, ex-members, and disagreers are saying. I found this to be quite enlightening.
http://www.fxcc.org/deaf/faq_coccult.asp - This article talks about the aforementioned "cult" accusation. I guess he is arguing against the idea, but sometimes C of C-ers can be so "middle of the fence" it's hard to tell.

These are only a VERY FEW resources on the Church of Christ; don't just take these as absolute law in your own mind - be responsible and research this group yourself. As an ex-member, it took years and a lot of reading of both sides and asking questions before I decided that I could no longer be a part of it. I know that old college classmates from LU will probably be a little upset, but......folks - look at it as if I'm introducing a discussion, instead of just blindly accepting.

Soooooo.....this week has been composed of me tackling the slow process of cleaning, organizing, and nesting my new little home in Ardsley. I opened up boxed that I haven't looked at in years, and I'm shocked at how much I decided to throw away. I really, really need a clean slate, I guess. I keep coming across David stuff - bits of clothing, mail, notes, a sketchbook or two. The hardest are cards that my ex-in-laws sent us, where they called me their "daughter" and all that. I've seen and talked to David a couple of times this week. I can't help it - I cry and feel miserable every time. He's dating a young woman now, who sounds like a good match for him. The only thing is the fact that her mother ADORES him, and is already planning their wedding! I asked him if it freaked him out how fast it seemed to be going in that general direction, and David, being David, is fine with it. "Going from 0 to 160 never bothers me." No it never did, which is one of the reasons why our marriage failed. That and I just couldn't be the submissive wife that allowed him to make all the decisions and doll out advice where it wasn't wanted. This girl seems to be a-okay with that, according to him. I wonder sometimes if that was one of my failures - not being a doormat in other words. But I snap back to reality and realize NO....David never wanted me to be a doormat, and I shouldn't be ashamed that I wasn't. I just hope he's happy and isn't getting into anything he'll regret.

I still love him. Not in the same way, but I always WILL love him for who he is, and what we shared. How could I not? Sometimes I wonder that Champ has the wrong idea about how I feel towards my ex-husband. He made a statement the other night that made me think HE thinks I hate David, or can't stand him, or whatever. I don't, I had to correct him - it is the situation. It is the sheer fact that we put so much effort into 5 years of marriage only to find we were squeezing water from a stone. And that "failure" is heart-wrenching and sadder than anything. My father once said that Divorce is a disease, and though there isn't much I agree with my father on these days, I'd have to confer this one. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

What's also hard is the fact that it's an Elephant in the Room with me and the Champ. I know he wants to hang out with me all the time, be near me, learn more about me - but I CANNOT jump into another exclusive thing again. I can't. It's too soon. I feel sick to my stomach and unbelievably exhausted when I think about it. Champ hung out all day Friday at my apartment playing WoW, and though I was trying to clean and organize, I felt myself feeling panicky and trapped - like, "Why are you still here??? Leave me alone!!" It's NOT that I don't want him around. I just.....need my space. I DID however do something that was uncharacteristic of me - I told Champ that. And he understood. And he was respectful. And I am FOREVER grateful. As long as I can continue to be completely honest with him, and OPEN MY FREAKIN' MOUTH when I need to (instead of bottling it up and letting it rot), then maybe I, or WE, can avoid the same mistakes that caused every other relationship in my past to fail.

Until next time, adieu.

Viva la Pensacola!

My aunt and I arrived safely in Pensacola, FL this afternoon, after a full day of traveling. We were starving and I gotta say, Peg Leg Pete's on Pensacola Beach has some damn GREAT food - the Blue Crab claws appetizer mmmmmmmm.
It's the first time I've ever been to my aunt and uncle's Portofino Bay condo, and MAN can you smell the money in this area - ha! It's gorgeous. We are literally a stone's throw from the white beaches, and I gotta say, Pensacola's beach is definitely one of the prettiest in the country. As we drove through down the road that runs the length of the island, my aunt told me about how the hurricanes had almost destroyed this area, and what buildings were lost a few years ago. It's mind-boggling how they bounced back, as if the storms never happened. It seems Florida in general couldn't be kept from thriving, despite the hurricanes and the social hubbub they caused. Makes we wonder what's taking New Orleans so long....ah that's another rant entirely.

I got a call from The Champ today; he invited me to meet his family this Sunday! So when I arrive in Savannah, it's off to Hilton Head where his dad and grandparents live. I think his two brothers will be there as well. I'm a little nervous; I didn't expect to me the Fam so soon, but I'm very touched that he offered, and it's yet another side of him that I'll have the privilege to get to know. He might be meeting MY family at the end of the summer - last night we talked about going to Atlanta on Labor Day weekend for Dragon Con. I've never been to that particular con, and Champ's never been to a comic convention period. It should be quite a show hehe! I told him, "Look, once you go to a big con like this, there is no going back! You will be traveling DEEP into the dork forest, possibly never to return..." His reply? "I will be your Nerd Slave...." LOLOLOL!

He's not on chat tonight, because the Krystal's is having their lobby vacuumed. I wish he could be, but....it's okay. I should probably NOT get into the habit of seeing Champ every single day. I mean, THAT would mean this is getting really serious and soon he'll be moving in and gaaaahhh - I'm exaggerating of course, but I'm beginning to wonder if I am even capable of "taking it slow."

Then there's the Soon-to-be-Ex to be concerned about. David's going to be pissed that I'm coming home on the 15th instead of the 12th like I told him. Therefore he has Inu and Jinga 3 more days than he expected. *Siiiiigggghhhhh* I have a genius for putting myself in uncomfortable situations. Meanwhile I'm trying to breath in warm, salty air, and my damn sinuses are giving me the finger.

Viva la Florida!

Florida-Bound

I just took the best shower ever. EVAR.

I'm in the middle of getting ready for the trip to FL this evening - laundry, packing, the whole bit - but I have a few minutes between dry and wash cycles. Yesterday I made the single most extravagant and expensive purchase of my life, and I'm still reeling from it. Damn you H.H.Gregg. Damn you. I also managed to find a bedside nightstand, fabric for the couch cover I'm going to make, as well as fabric samples for curtains, a lovely round rug for the living room, and a couple of days ago I found a vintage dressform. My apartment will be tricked out in no time when I get back. If only I could find a love seat or chaise for in front of the windows....

The past couple of nights The Champ and I had some revealing and touching conversations. I told him how I felt, how I haven't been able to get him out of my head. I would find myself daydreaming into space, felt the butterflies when that Skype window appears. "Would you like to answer the call?" Oh yes, definitely. We've been playing WoW a little bit, quested together, which was cool. I just wish he could run Skype and Warcraft at the same time, so that I can watch his face.....I. Am. Hopeless.
I did tell him that I'm afraid - very afraid. He said that he is too. Neither of us trust ourselves. This is exactly what I did NOT want. I DIDN'T want to jump into another relationship - I wanted to be by myself for a while, live on my own for a while, draw, sew, create, rejuvenate my stagnant freelance career. But here I am, once again stifled and distracted by "The Glow". If only he wasn't so beautiful and fascinating.....*grrrroooooooaaaaaaannnn

nnn*

I have never been one that could separate reality and romance, or at least allow them to coexist peacefully. One always trumps the other at some point. My art and fanciful pursuits burst ahead, and my relationship suffers. The relationship becomes the air I breathe, my drawing table and sewing machine collect dust. Two fishes devouring each other's tail. I wish I could find balance. Champ suggests I take yoga. Maybe that would do it.

And then there's my fickle, fickle emotional state. I take Zoloft for depression and anxiety, Daytrana for ADHD. I listed a laundry list of less than admirable traits for the Champ, but I think he attributes it to just the divorce and just David. No, my sweet - there are dark dark things that have formed my current psyche, and they were there looooooooong before David came along. Someday, face to face, I will tell him. Not quite ready yet; that's too fast - but I might have to if this gets more serious than it already is. Champ is incredibly classy about everything - he says I am the first to see the "new him." He said that he cares for me infinitely, and that he would do anything in his power to preserve us in whatever form it requires. I'm both honored and a little apprehensive that I'm looking upon the "new" Champ - how was he before? Will the old Champ rear his head after time, since the new one is a result of very recent events, or as we become more and more comfortable with each other? Once the evil "Glow" fades away, most likely after a lot of time and emotion invested, will it fail just as ALL of them have for me? Champ has never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months. My longest is 5 years, and for a while there, 4 years seemed to be the "expiration" for the relationship. My therapist suggested that I am a "serial monogamist"; I thought that was morbidly brilliant. *Sigh*

I have to finish packing. I hope desperately that I can draw some at the beach. I so need to draw. Hope I have internet access at the condo too.

No Subject Really...I'm just here....

t's a lazy, sultry day up here in Atlanta. My complexion has been terrible the past few days - I think it's the impurities or smog in the air. I woke up a little crusty a couple of hours ago - Champ and I played World of Warcraft well into the morning. I like how much we have in common - we have pretty similar tastes in music, love the WoW, and we're both ridiculously creative and passionate people. I find myself thinking about him more and more since I've been on vacation - the hardest thing is trying to keep my head on straight. "You KNOW what you tend to do, Julie - fall too hard and too fast. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, YOU HOPELESSLY IDEALISTIC AND ROMANTIC FISH-GIRL! It's that glow- that damn deceptive, puppy-love glow that's so fucking wonderful in the beginning but sours over time. Like white Easter lillies. They look big and gorgeous until they start to smell like a rotting carcass and crumple (not that I know first hand what they smell like - I can't smell - but I do notice when the number of flies triples when lillies are in my home). I think a lot of it is the excitement of getting to know another person, both physically and mentally, as well as seeing how I do myself - I am not the same girl who married David 5 years ago. I've had to grow up tremendously fast during my twenties, losing my parents' support (they haven't spoken to me in over 5 years), getting married, buying a house, raising 3 dogs, getting a job as an art professor, divorcing, moving out, getting my own place, and here I am. The past 7 to 8 years have been a hurricane, and I'm exhausted. But I'm stronger because of it, thank god. I'm still here, still kickin' - they haven't licked me yet.
But I have to be careful. It's so easyto make the same mistakes over and over again. As much as I'd love to dive head first into the ocean, I really need to feel the sand between my toes, feel the water rushing under my feet, and.......geebs, what's with the cheesy metaphor? *Ha!* Whatever - it fits.
I want to draw - NEED to draw. But I open my sketchbook and just stare at the blank page. Nothing comes. I'm hoping that when we go to the beach this weekend, there will be plenty of people watching opportunity. Nothing is better drawing reference than half-naked, fat ass Americans on vacation *giggle*
Gawd I'm so distracted - damn undead rogues..................................

................

A New Beginning....

On June 13th, I will be officially divorced. I won't go into the conflicting thoughts and feelings about that here; I've talked to friends, I've talked to my therapist. I know that those conflicts come from being a human being going through a devastating and frightening "chapter." I'm focusing on moving forward, not backward, and that in an of itself is terrifying.

I'm on a little vacation with my family here in Atlanta - god I LOVE this city. Tomorrow we'll be heading down to Pensacola for a much needed beach-fix. Rather, a PRETTY beach-fix - Tybee's beach is a shit hole haha! It's wonderful being with family, being able to actually relax and type down thoughts while contemplating the future, which, despite all that has transpired and is currently transpiring, looks pretty shiny and...dare I say it?? Exciting.

I'm seeing a young man right now - he is absolutely adorable. He is an adventure in and of himself in getting to know. The only thing that darkens this little cloud is the fact I am not quite ready to "commit", "be exclusive", or whatever all you dating types call it. I was married for FIVE YEARS - one doesn't just get over that. And I haven't "dated" in years and years, so there's that painful awkwardness that I have to work through at age 30. I am desperately afraid of getting hurt and also HURTING someone else. I am trying not to fall into anything too quickly because my jaded history has proven it is a sad sad implosion down the road. Or can be. I don't know.
Fortunately this young man has been the coolest ever concerning my situation and my feelings. He too has been knocked around by relationships, and I think we both happen to need the same things - neither of us wants to "fuck up". I feel like I'm a horrible thing that girls tend to be - a "tease" - it was terribly uncomfortable telling him that I did not want to be called his "girlfriend" yet. But I, being of the Fish Sign, tend to build scenarios in my head when everything is usually okay. I am sensitive to a fault, I know, and I tend to dwell on how other people are affected WAY too much. One of the reasons my marriage failed why I was unbelievably unhappy. I need to think of myself more.

So me and Champ are going to see how it goes - nothing more exciting than that? The next great adventure....