Clarity

I just got off the phone with my aunt - a WONDERFUL conversation! And she, my uncle, and my cousins might be coming to visit this weekend! Hooray!! I SO need some fam time....

I need to clarify something concerning my last post - the one of David and the "Savannah grapevine" that I mentioned. After my anger subsided and I was able to think clearly again, I realize that it isn't David's fault that we have circles of aquaintances (spelling?) that happen to overlap. I know that he isn't spying on me or looking to find out the "dish" on me. I don't need a restraining order - yegods no. I know this because I was married to the man for 5 years and that isn't how he does things. I was just furious because I saw it as a loss of control on my part - that I can't control it if someone we both know happens to say something like, "Oh, have you heard? Julie's dating this guy she calls 'Champ' and so on...." But neither can he, really. I really really just wasn't ready for him to know what's going on in my personal life RIGHT THEN. And I'm not sure exactly why, except to say that I am still raw from the divorce, and I don't want to move too quickly, and that I know that David is perfectly fine moving quickly onto....other things, but that doesn't mean I want to know about it. So therefore I don't really want him to know...You know? Did that make ANY sense?? LOL. It's not that I'm ashamed of Champ - of course not! Champ has been really REALLY good for me in the long run, and though we're still ironing out certain things, I feel that I am growing and working on issues that have crept into my past relationships that were not healthy. Champ is my "fresh slate" in a way. Does this mean I'm ready to get married? No. Does this mean that he has officially replaced David? No. It's just a good thing, a positive thing out of a whole mess of negative that I'm taking one day at a time.
Back on track, Julie: anyway, it's personal, and while David's and my past split is still sore, whatever between David and me and our parallel "love lives" is personal as well. I just hate it when outsiders insert themselves into the picture. I wouldn't have minded it AT ALL had he found out what's going on in my life if he had read it himself. But I know he didn't - he had help, and that's what sent me through the roof. I wouldn't want anyone coming up to me to tell me what David's doing with his time - I would nip it and say, "Listen, I'll ask him myself, thank you - it's nobody's business but his and let's let HIM decide if he wants me to know."

I started this internet journal in a fit of uncharacteristic bravery, so that my words and thoughts wouldn't be stuffed away and hidden in books, and believe me I kept journals for years like that - they collect dust on my shelf as we speak. Here, in this medium, I feel that they can actually LIVE on in some way, and hopefully they can inspire or, rather, just exist on the cyberstage as an illustration of a very vulnerable, very complicated, but very tenacious and real human being. What good are words if they can't be heard or read? I have nothing to fear or be ashamed of, though it IS terrifying to open yourself up like this in a very public way. But it is a good and brave thing to do. People like Champ and Hannah inspired me thus. As creators, writers, and artists - this is what we do, and we do it in the here and now and we never look back. It's 2008, and, well, bloggin' is where it's at, haha!

Ironically, it was David who said I should write down my thoughts, and I have taken his advice for all these years. That was one of the really good things that came from our union, among other things. He helped me to be fearless about it, too. Do I wish he read it? Sure - but it's his choice if he does or doesn't - so LET 'IM, people!

I feel okay today; I still have a lot of stuff to clean up concerning my personal vs. professional life. But I completely dropped the BALL concerning a project for a friend of mine, and, well folks - that jolted me awake. I HATE that I was so irresponsible and had my head so far up my ASS that I left him in a terrible bind, so that he was forced to re-assign it to someone else (oh I wish he hadn't been so sweet and apologetic for it, too - GAWD it was SO my fault!!). I deserved that - I have NEVER done that before, and NEVER will again. I learned my lesson.

Julie is very, very humbled, people. > . <

Privacy?

I haven't felt good for the past few days (geez why do all my entries have to be downers?).

This will be a busy week for me; AEF starts Tuesday. I get to teach high school teachers about "Illustrating with Pen and Ink." I have no idea how many "students" I have - or really what I'm going to do, actually. I guess I'll just improvise like I do - I'm pretty good at that, fortunately. Am I looking forward to it? No. I feel more tired when I think about it.

I saw David drive by the other day, in his yellow Volvo. It's strange - ever since the divorce, I see that same model of car EVERYWHERE. Who knew there were so many people in Savannah who own an 1980s Volvo sedan?? Anyway, he waved at me - I waved back. Champ was in the car with me, and I couldn't help thinking how awkward the situation was. And then it got worse because I fell APART - I always do when I see David, if I see a text message from him, or if I talk to him on the phone. That's why I haven't been back over to his house (weird how it was once our house) in a month, even though there are some pieces of paperwork I need to give him. Maybe I'll mail them instead.
Somehow David found out Champ's nickname - I don't know if he's been reading this journal or if he had an informant; somehow I think the latter is true. David doesn't do MySpace or Facebook or Live Journal; he doesn't have time. He's always been a little snobbish about it, in fact. I doubt he reads any blogs, much less mine. So I'm sure he has a co-worker or employee or friend who is more than happy to inform him of what's going on in my life. Needless to say I fucking flew off the handle - I just keep hearing what he said that fateful night when I initially told him I wanted the divorce: he said, "...I have eyes and ears all over this town and I WILL find out...what you're saying..." (Paraphrase) Well, I don't think I've talked badly about him - at least I haven't meant to - but it is unnerving and more than a little infuriating that he can indeed find out what's going on with me when I would really, REALLY like for him not to unless I'm ready to let him know. He wouldn't tell me the name of his source either - calls it the "Savannah grapevine." I know that these journals are in a public area - I know that if I didn't want people to know what is churning in this addled brain of mine, I wouldn't post on the ever-loving INTERNET. But I've always felt it was still a somewhat private arena because I know David DOESN'T participate in it.

So, that being said, those of you who DO read it and see my profiles on MySpace, LJ, and Facebook and feel inclined to report to David of things that concern me (and, ironically, DON'T concern you).....

Please DON'T.

>:(

On a happier note: Little Ash is doing well, and the dogs are slowly getting used to her. She now has a little collar with a tiny pink bell on it - so now I can hear her scampering around the kitchen.

Trap

I hate the laundromat. I hate it when people bring their children to the laundromat. I hate it when left-wing, liberal assholes talk about politics LOUDLY in the laundromat. And I hate it when laundromat employees, though they don't give a shit about their job, yell at you for have a power cord plugged into the wall because they're just annoyed that you're there on a computer at the laundromat.

I'm in a contemplative mood. But not really a good one per se. I'm cranky and anxious. My apartment is a mess. I had to call my landlord today to beg them not to deposit my rent check until next Tuesday, because I do NOT have the funds to cover it. I am 30 years old and living paycheck to paycheck. I'm a payment behind on my student loans. I haven't had a cigarette in 48 hours. I finally had my wedding band cut off today at a jeweler.....wait I can't go there, or I'll start crying in the middle of this god-forsaken laundromat. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. There's a kitten I want to save. I wish Champ would update his blog. I wish my sister would respond to my friend request on MySpace. I wish I could learn to crochet and knit faster so I can sell little amigurimi dolls over the internet. Or I wish I could start sewing clothes and maybe sell them over the internet. Or maybe someone will hire me for a freelance job, a book, a magazine, a newspaper ad - ANYTHING because I'm losing my ever-loving mind I need to draw so bad. I am a hermit crab killer....wait don't go there either - yeesh I feel those tears hot behind my eyelids. Dammit. I think I let them get too cold. First Venus fly traps now this. I'm so tired of falling short of self-expectations. I'm so anxious. I so want to cry....


*********

Okay, okay - rant's over. I'm back from the laundromat, Champ has gone back to his dorm, and I feel better actually. I'm looking at my left hand's ring finger and still see the imprint of my ring, which I put beside one of David's pictures. A tiny shrine to 5 years - David was always into shrines, well, he was before he became a born-again Catholic. I wonder if it will leave a scar (the ring that is), I left it on for so long. But maybe the flesh will fill out and it'll be back to normal. Maybe someday I'll be back to normal. Until then, I have to remember the friends and family I have that ARE here for me. Champ, Trisha, Hannah, my aunt Angela and uncle Larry....even David. And my fish are still alive and healthy, as are my dogs. I have to remember these things before I twirl into a tailspin of self-pity and loathing, which is always my routine. This is the time for change, right? So no more routinely falling into that pity-trap. No more. I'm okay.

Jump

Ok, I'm going to say it.





*deep breath*



CHAMP IS MY BOYFRIEND.

I am officially "taken." I am CHAMP'S GIRLFRIEND.

I have a phenomenally good thing. He is awesome. I have been blind-sided.

I'm scared, but so is he.

He has seen the low points, the high points, we have laughed, we have been silly together - we have been slammed in the head and heart by past loves; he sees my armor, yet he doesn't have to bash it with a sledgehammer. He doesn't force me to do anything. This is my decision. We both know where we stand. Our relationship is not based on rebelling against parents or the world or ex-husbands or religion or lack thereof.

It's actually based on moving on to the next quest, the next great adventure, turning over a new leaf, on embracing something new and scary and wonderful.





"What do you think? Do you think love lasts forever?" "No, but this song does." - Hedwig and the Angry Inch