Clarity

I just got off the phone with my aunt - a WONDERFUL conversation! And she, my uncle, and my cousins might be coming to visit this weekend! Hooray!! I SO need some fam time....

I need to clarify something concerning my last post - the one of David and the "Savannah grapevine" that I mentioned. After my anger subsided and I was able to think clearly again, I realize that it isn't David's fault that we have circles of aquaintances (spelling?) that happen to overlap. I know that he isn't spying on me or looking to find out the "dish" on me. I don't need a restraining order - yegods no. I know this because I was married to the man for 5 years and that isn't how he does things. I was just furious because I saw it as a loss of control on my part - that I can't control it if someone we both know happens to say something like, "Oh, have you heard? Julie's dating this guy she calls 'Champ' and so on...." But neither can he, really. I really really just wasn't ready for him to know what's going on in my personal life RIGHT THEN. And I'm not sure exactly why, except to say that I am still raw from the divorce, and I don't want to move too quickly, and that I know that David is perfectly fine moving quickly onto....other things, but that doesn't mean I want to know about it. So therefore I don't really want him to know...You know? Did that make ANY sense?? LOL. It's not that I'm ashamed of Champ - of course not! Champ has been really REALLY good for me in the long run, and though we're still ironing out certain things, I feel that I am growing and working on issues that have crept into my past relationships that were not healthy. Champ is my "fresh slate" in a way. Does this mean I'm ready to get married? No. Does this mean that he has officially replaced David? No. It's just a good thing, a positive thing out of a whole mess of negative that I'm taking one day at a time.
Back on track, Julie: anyway, it's personal, and while David's and my past split is still sore, whatever between David and me and our parallel "love lives" is personal as well. I just hate it when outsiders insert themselves into the picture. I wouldn't have minded it AT ALL had he found out what's going on in my life if he had read it himself. But I know he didn't - he had help, and that's what sent me through the roof. I wouldn't want anyone coming up to me to tell me what David's doing with his time - I would nip it and say, "Listen, I'll ask him myself, thank you - it's nobody's business but his and let's let HIM decide if he wants me to know."

I started this internet journal in a fit of uncharacteristic bravery, so that my words and thoughts wouldn't be stuffed away and hidden in books, and believe me I kept journals for years like that - they collect dust on my shelf as we speak. Here, in this medium, I feel that they can actually LIVE on in some way, and hopefully they can inspire or, rather, just exist on the cyberstage as an illustration of a very vulnerable, very complicated, but very tenacious and real human being. What good are words if they can't be heard or read? I have nothing to fear or be ashamed of, though it IS terrifying to open yourself up like this in a very public way. But it is a good and brave thing to do. People like Champ and Hannah inspired me thus. As creators, writers, and artists - this is what we do, and we do it in the here and now and we never look back. It's 2008, and, well, bloggin' is where it's at, haha!

Ironically, it was David who said I should write down my thoughts, and I have taken his advice for all these years. That was one of the really good things that came from our union, among other things. He helped me to be fearless about it, too. Do I wish he read it? Sure - but it's his choice if he does or doesn't - so LET 'IM, people!

I feel okay today; I still have a lot of stuff to clean up concerning my personal vs. professional life. But I completely dropped the BALL concerning a project for a friend of mine, and, well folks - that jolted me awake. I HATE that I was so irresponsible and had my head so far up my ASS that I left him in a terrible bind, so that he was forced to re-assign it to someone else (oh I wish he hadn't been so sweet and apologetic for it, too - GAWD it was SO my fault!!). I deserved that - I have NEVER done that before, and NEVER will again. I learned my lesson.

Julie is very, very humbled, people. > . <

Privacy?

I haven't felt good for the past few days (geez why do all my entries have to be downers?).

This will be a busy week for me; AEF starts Tuesday. I get to teach high school teachers about "Illustrating with Pen and Ink." I have no idea how many "students" I have - or really what I'm going to do, actually. I guess I'll just improvise like I do - I'm pretty good at that, fortunately. Am I looking forward to it? No. I feel more tired when I think about it.

I saw David drive by the other day, in his yellow Volvo. It's strange - ever since the divorce, I see that same model of car EVERYWHERE. Who knew there were so many people in Savannah who own an 1980s Volvo sedan?? Anyway, he waved at me - I waved back. Champ was in the car with me, and I couldn't help thinking how awkward the situation was. And then it got worse because I fell APART - I always do when I see David, if I see a text message from him, or if I talk to him on the phone. That's why I haven't been back over to his house (weird how it was once our house) in a month, even though there are some pieces of paperwork I need to give him. Maybe I'll mail them instead.
Somehow David found out Champ's nickname - I don't know if he's been reading this journal or if he had an informant; somehow I think the latter is true. David doesn't do MySpace or Facebook or Live Journal; he doesn't have time. He's always been a little snobbish about it, in fact. I doubt he reads any blogs, much less mine. So I'm sure he has a co-worker or employee or friend who is more than happy to inform him of what's going on in my life. Needless to say I fucking flew off the handle - I just keep hearing what he said that fateful night when I initially told him I wanted the divorce: he said, "...I have eyes and ears all over this town and I WILL find out...what you're saying..." (Paraphrase) Well, I don't think I've talked badly about him - at least I haven't meant to - but it is unnerving and more than a little infuriating that he can indeed find out what's going on with me when I would really, REALLY like for him not to unless I'm ready to let him know. He wouldn't tell me the name of his source either - calls it the "Savannah grapevine." I know that these journals are in a public area - I know that if I didn't want people to know what is churning in this addled brain of mine, I wouldn't post on the ever-loving INTERNET. But I've always felt it was still a somewhat private arena because I know David DOESN'T participate in it.

So, that being said, those of you who DO read it and see my profiles on MySpace, LJ, and Facebook and feel inclined to report to David of things that concern me (and, ironically, DON'T concern you).....

Please DON'T.

>:(

On a happier note: Little Ash is doing well, and the dogs are slowly getting used to her. She now has a little collar with a tiny pink bell on it - so now I can hear her scampering around the kitchen.

Trap

I hate the laundromat. I hate it when people bring their children to the laundromat. I hate it when left-wing, liberal assholes talk about politics LOUDLY in the laundromat. And I hate it when laundromat employees, though they don't give a shit about their job, yell at you for have a power cord plugged into the wall because they're just annoyed that you're there on a computer at the laundromat.

I'm in a contemplative mood. But not really a good one per se. I'm cranky and anxious. My apartment is a mess. I had to call my landlord today to beg them not to deposit my rent check until next Tuesday, because I do NOT have the funds to cover it. I am 30 years old and living paycheck to paycheck. I'm a payment behind on my student loans. I haven't had a cigarette in 48 hours. I finally had my wedding band cut off today at a jeweler.....wait I can't go there, or I'll start crying in the middle of this god-forsaken laundromat. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. There's a kitten I want to save. I wish Champ would update his blog. I wish my sister would respond to my friend request on MySpace. I wish I could learn to crochet and knit faster so I can sell little amigurimi dolls over the internet. Or I wish I could start sewing clothes and maybe sell them over the internet. Or maybe someone will hire me for a freelance job, a book, a magazine, a newspaper ad - ANYTHING because I'm losing my ever-loving mind I need to draw so bad. I am a hermit crab killer....wait don't go there either - yeesh I feel those tears hot behind my eyelids. Dammit. I think I let them get too cold. First Venus fly traps now this. I'm so tired of falling short of self-expectations. I'm so anxious. I so want to cry....


*********

Okay, okay - rant's over. I'm back from the laundromat, Champ has gone back to his dorm, and I feel better actually. I'm looking at my left hand's ring finger and still see the imprint of my ring, which I put beside one of David's pictures. A tiny shrine to 5 years - David was always into shrines, well, he was before he became a born-again Catholic. I wonder if it will leave a scar (the ring that is), I left it on for so long. But maybe the flesh will fill out and it'll be back to normal. Maybe someday I'll be back to normal. Until then, I have to remember the friends and family I have that ARE here for me. Champ, Trisha, Hannah, my aunt Angela and uncle Larry....even David. And my fish are still alive and healthy, as are my dogs. I have to remember these things before I twirl into a tailspin of self-pity and loathing, which is always my routine. This is the time for change, right? So no more routinely falling into that pity-trap. No more. I'm okay.

Jump

Ok, I'm going to say it.





*deep breath*



CHAMP IS MY BOYFRIEND.

I am officially "taken." I am CHAMP'S GIRLFRIEND.

I have a phenomenally good thing. He is awesome. I have been blind-sided.

I'm scared, but so is he.

He has seen the low points, the high points, we have laughed, we have been silly together - we have been slammed in the head and heart by past loves; he sees my armor, yet he doesn't have to bash it with a sledgehammer. He doesn't force me to do anything. This is my decision. We both know where we stand. Our relationship is not based on rebelling against parents or the world or ex-husbands or religion or lack thereof.

It's actually based on moving on to the next quest, the next great adventure, turning over a new leaf, on embracing something new and scary and wonderful.





"What do you think? Do you think love lasts forever?" "No, but this song does." - Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Fizzle....

Man, RIGHT AFTER I post an entry about how dang great everything is, I'm hit the NEXT DAY with a headache and stomach cramps. I don't feel really well. It's probably stress over money and the apartment - which isn't completely put together yet. The bitch part is my studio - it's still in pieces and not functional yet. Oooohhh how I need to draw - but I'm still hitting a wall. I continue to think of projects that I want to do during the course of the day, but when the sketchbook lands in my lap......nothing. A dry fart. Bah, I say! BAH!

I'm thinking of re-visiting an old project that David and I kicked around for years. I was sifting through old artwork from it while watching The Incredible Hulk (excellent movie), and the urge is strong to finish what we started. But this time I'll be flying solo. David and I could collaborate on many things, but for some reason this particular project was always a tough one. We'd clash on ideas, disagree, hit walls, what little bit he wrote was too long-winded and convoluted....I guess maybe because it was a little too close to our hearts. It was the first project we ever worked on together; I find that it might be the perfect piece of closure (and a memorial, of sorts, to our marriage) that I need in continuing the cleansing of the slate. And the foundation is all there - it just needs to be pieced together. At least I'm confident that I am finally at the stage art-wise that it can be done the way I want it to be done. I hope I'm not jinxing myself writing about it, but.....well, I've always trusted my gut, and this feels right for some reason.

Geez I'm so down tonight, and antsy, anxious. Champ is playing World of Warcraft, which I can't bring myself to play these days. Maybe because it reminds me of David. My wireless internet is kind of retarded anyway - I keep getting bumped off of my own goddamn network.
Tomorrow is my psych appointment, and then my one little piddly class of the summer. In the distance someone is firing off fireworks, WELL before the 4th of course. I need to pay bills. I need to sleep. I need more Vodka.

*sigh*

Shredding the Old - Filing the New....

Can I say how PSYCHED I am that I now have SoapNet?? I dread that damn Comcast bill when it comes, but it is WORTH IT.

Today has been a good day.

It's nice to be able to say that and really mean it. They seem to be few and far between sometimes. But it's been beautiful outside, not too hot, and I've been shredding old papers and filing like a MANIAC. Feels good to "wipe the slate" and start anew. So many beginnings in my life - so many "firsts." Hannah brought over two beautiful goldfish, so now I am a new fish-owner! Let's see -- two fish, three hermit crabs, and two dogs. Life is good ;)

I have a list of goals that I want to implement this summer. The time is good. I've been officially divorced for two full weeks. I had a really great phone chat with David today. The Champ and I are good - he surprises me sometimes, catches me off guard with his honesty and humility. He actually inspires me to become a better person all around, hence the goals. I'm not quite ready to call him my "boyfriend" just yet, but.......I'm not as staunchly against it as I once was. Just need more time - I'm still "keeping my options open," if you would forgive the cliche. I thought I had a couple of options, but they never came to fruition. Everything happens for a reason, though - someOne is pulling the strings up there. Right now I'm just happy to enjoy the ride; he makes me laugh, he's sweet and understanding, and I am actually comfortable communicating with him. Maybe....I can avoid those same mistakes, those same pitfalls that always reared their ugly heads. Maybe I have changed for the better. I'm still suspicious of "The Glow", but he's seen me have a panic attack, seen me cry, witnessed how vulnerable I can be. But I haven't scared him off; and he hasn't used it against me. Champ helps me to feel strong and independent, and I feel like his equal despite the age difference.

Again, hence the goals.
1) exercise more and get back to lifting weights.
2) cut down on the alcohol. Like, almost to nothing - except socially of course.
3).........................the big one.....................................

....quit smoking. *shiver* THIS one is going to be the bitch.

But you know, I really believe Champ when he says he will help me. I've already decided that the carton of cigarettes he saw me buy will be my last. Of course I'm nervous, and of COURSE I am aware that I've tried to quit 3 TIMES over the years. But I think I may have arrived at the point in my life that it could be different this time.

And different is good - different is welcome.

Summer Storms

I returned home to Savannah last Sunday. Here's a quick recap: the beach was awesome, I got some sun (didn't burn!), and on returning to Atlanta, got to see some of my cousins and uncle at my aunt's farm. I actually drove a 4-wheeler for the first time in my life! I drove back to Savannah in the pouring rain, arriving to discover a tornado had hit the Effingham area. I picked the Champ up, he drove us to Hilton Head (yes, I actually let him drive my car - that's pretty big, people), and we spent a lovely evening at his grandparents where I was able to meet them, his father, and his two brothers. His family is great - really down to earth and hip. We actually had a good laugh over World of Warcraft videos such as "Leroy Jenkins." Who knew? His grandmother especially ROCKS - what a cool lady! Fun, funny, and can cook like nobody's business. No one called me Champ's girlfriend, no one asked about any past relationships I've had, and no one seemed to be bothered by a 30 year old woman dating their son/grandson. I DID have to put a band-aid on my finger to hide my wedding band - which I can't physically take off. Seriously, my finger's gotten thicker since I've been married, and I'll have to go to a jeweler to get it off. How awkward would that have been had they seen it?? *SIGH*

I found out something pretty big too - when Champ's dad asked me where I went to school, I told him about Lipscomb - as in Lipscomb University. Here was Dad's reaction: "You don't mean David Lipscomb University?"
There was a slightly uncomfortable pause on my part, since the school is a Church of Christ school, and the C of C tends to have a somewhat tainted image shared by those who have heard of it. Turns out that Champ's family members were once MEMBERS of the Church of Christ, (or rather, the International C of C, which is the polar opposite of the faction I and my parents were raised in, which is much more conservative - I mean, almost psychotically so) and of course they had heard of Lipscomb. I (as well as the Champ himself), were pretty darn shocked at that. I echo what his father kept saying after that little revolution: Small world, small world.
Still, after talking a little bit about it, I found that Champ's father and I had similar reasons for leaving the Church - no one can live like that. For anyone reading this that is a little stumped at what I'm talking about, I am NOT talking about the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS. That is something else entirely. Go visit these little linkage gems:

http://church-of-christ.org/ - Their main site - which is funny since they don't have a governing body like Methodism or Catholicism.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Churches_of_Christ - I don't take a lot of stock in Wikipedia entries, but this one is pretty objective.
http://www.ccel.org/contrib/exec_outlines/top/church.htm - here's a good outline/breakdown of the Church and their beliefs.
http://www.chocd.org/ - OK, now the other side - cause you gotta see what outsiders, ex-members, and disagreers are saying. I found this to be quite enlightening.
http://www.fxcc.org/deaf/faq_coccult.asp - This article talks about the aforementioned "cult" accusation. I guess he is arguing against the idea, but sometimes C of C-ers can be so "middle of the fence" it's hard to tell.

These are only a VERY FEW resources on the Church of Christ; don't just take these as absolute law in your own mind - be responsible and research this group yourself. As an ex-member, it took years and a lot of reading of both sides and asking questions before I decided that I could no longer be a part of it. I know that old college classmates from LU will probably be a little upset, but......folks - look at it as if I'm introducing a discussion, instead of just blindly accepting.

Soooooo.....this week has been composed of me tackling the slow process of cleaning, organizing, and nesting my new little home in Ardsley. I opened up boxed that I haven't looked at in years, and I'm shocked at how much I decided to throw away. I really, really need a clean slate, I guess. I keep coming across David stuff - bits of clothing, mail, notes, a sketchbook or two. The hardest are cards that my ex-in-laws sent us, where they called me their "daughter" and all that. I've seen and talked to David a couple of times this week. I can't help it - I cry and feel miserable every time. He's dating a young woman now, who sounds like a good match for him. The only thing is the fact that her mother ADORES him, and is already planning their wedding! I asked him if it freaked him out how fast it seemed to be going in that general direction, and David, being David, is fine with it. "Going from 0 to 160 never bothers me." No it never did, which is one of the reasons why our marriage failed. That and I just couldn't be the submissive wife that allowed him to make all the decisions and doll out advice where it wasn't wanted. This girl seems to be a-okay with that, according to him. I wonder sometimes if that was one of my failures - not being a doormat in other words. But I snap back to reality and realize NO....David never wanted me to be a doormat, and I shouldn't be ashamed that I wasn't. I just hope he's happy and isn't getting into anything he'll regret.

I still love him. Not in the same way, but I always WILL love him for who he is, and what we shared. How could I not? Sometimes I wonder that Champ has the wrong idea about how I feel towards my ex-husband. He made a statement the other night that made me think HE thinks I hate David, or can't stand him, or whatever. I don't, I had to correct him - it is the situation. It is the sheer fact that we put so much effort into 5 years of marriage only to find we were squeezing water from a stone. And that "failure" is heart-wrenching and sadder than anything. My father once said that Divorce is a disease, and though there isn't much I agree with my father on these days, I'd have to confer this one. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

What's also hard is the fact that it's an Elephant in the Room with me and the Champ. I know he wants to hang out with me all the time, be near me, learn more about me - but I CANNOT jump into another exclusive thing again. I can't. It's too soon. I feel sick to my stomach and unbelievably exhausted when I think about it. Champ hung out all day Friday at my apartment playing WoW, and though I was trying to clean and organize, I felt myself feeling panicky and trapped - like, "Why are you still here??? Leave me alone!!" It's NOT that I don't want him around. I just.....need my space. I DID however do something that was uncharacteristic of me - I told Champ that. And he understood. And he was respectful. And I am FOREVER grateful. As long as I can continue to be completely honest with him, and OPEN MY FREAKIN' MOUTH when I need to (instead of bottling it up and letting it rot), then maybe I, or WE, can avoid the same mistakes that caused every other relationship in my past to fail.

Until next time, adieu.